...

 I've been crying a lot lately.

It's actually excruciatingly awful seeing someone you love in pain and not being able to do anything – especially when they won't accept your help either.

I keep getting hit by the happy memories I made with her, as they get older and more faded. I wonder if my love somehow was able to touch her heart even if just a little bit. I miss being with her, talking to her, getting to know about her day. I loved it when she texted me about the cake they had in her job or literally whatever. I miss her little world. I miss being part of it. I miss her good mornings and her kisses. I miss the soft touch of her skin and hearing her voice babbling about animals.

There are so many songs with lines that make me think of her and us.

"In another life, I would be your girl. We'd keep all our promises, be us against the world".

"Every line I would write for you, but a footnote will do".

"Who can say if I've been changed for the better but because I knew you I have been changed for good".

I went all the way along the yellow brick road to her beautiful heart only to be tossed back to a life in black and white.

It's been almost a month since we last talked properly and I don't think I've missed anything more in my whole life.

I'll keep praying for her to get better though. And that maybe my love will put a band-aid through her soul, no matter how broken it became.

I'll love her forever, no matter what. The memories will remain and so will my most honest feelings. But I'll forever miss her as well, and maybe I'll have to learn to live with it.

Last friday and today

 

Last friday I slept over at Lore's because we were celebrating that she was promoted at her job 

We had pastel that she made with her mom and caipirinha  and of course, we cried a lot ww so much to unpack from these past months 

We don't see each other since January and she finally gave me my birthday present as well ww it was a home spray with a fragrance inspired by Hawaii! 

My makeup was looking pretty good too  I finally did my brows wwwww

My hair was also looking good, but it was SO DIRTY  I wonder why can't it look good when it's all neat and clean 

On Saturday I pretty much slept all day long after work, woke up, ate a little and went back to bed again  it was the day before my period so of course I was in hibernation mode 

Today was Monday all over again  so much to do this week and my cramps are killing me 

I'm getting a bit tense about life in general, but especially regarding money... Really can't live like this no longer 

Took a nap when I got home  after so many ibuprofen, needless to say I was pathetically sleepy.

Now I just need to take a shower, cry a little and go to bed again. Y'know, crying helps me a lot... I'm not super optimistic about life in general ATM but I gotta keep going bc I have no choice 

I really want things to get better soon, y'know? 

I want (need) to earn a bit more even if if means a bit more of work and I want to be able to talk to the one I love again. This past month was terribly painful to go through. 

What a strange night of sleep I had today...

I slept all night long, yet I was feeling like I didn't sleep at all. When the alarm rang, I couldn't believe it was morning already. I slept for 6 hours, but it felt like just a few minutes and I have no idea why. 

Maybe it was because I had a dream (nightmare?) where my gold necklace broke and I was afraid it was a bad sign...

My eyes felt heavy as lead when I was trying to get up and I left home almost 10 minutes later than usual. My whole body was calling for its way back to bed 

Then I got very annoyed that I couldn't buy my lunch once again because they changed the menu from meat cubes to fish. I marched to the office with all the angst of the world inside this tiny little heart and by the time I was almost turning the corner I found a lost lip gloss laying on the ground. 

I've been wanting to try this specific lip gloss for ages and since it's a squeeze tube I didn't mind picking it up. If it was a wand gloss, I wouldn't be caught dead wearing it, but I sterilized the tube and the cap and it was safe to use. 

I feel really sorry for the one who lost it though  it's a really good, hydrating, long lasting and high shine gloss with an outstanding flavor of mango and coconut.  I genuinely feel bad for this person as I hate losing my own stuff, but if I didn't pick it up it would probably end in the water and get to the ocean somehow, not to mention it's almost entirely full. I hope they manage to get another one wherever they are  I considered it a small treat from Morgana considering all the shit I've been going through wwwww

Then the rest of the day was a bit tiring (not sure how much it was actually exhausting or it was just worsened by my sleepiness) and I did some stuff wrong at work which... Clearly bothered my boss.  It's like my mind has reached full storage recently so it's been really hard to concentrate and get every single thing right 

At lunch I saw a few stalls near the mall with artists selling their stuff and one caught my attention because they had a Sailor Mercury tote bag 

I didn't get the bag as Mercury is my least favorite Senshi, but I got this Haruka/Michiru sticker 

I had lunch at Popeye's. I'm sick and tired of so much fast food but I recently developed some kind of liking for their fried chicken ww I actually really enjoy it and I feel like their burguer bread is a long better than McDonald's for some reason. Feels softer? I guess?

The way back home was exhausting because it rained and the trains were crowded. Took me an extra hour to get home 

I had some stuff to get done by the time I got home but I'm SO tired and sleepy that I'll take a nap when I finish writing this 

I really hope this night will be better. I fell asleep crying last night, so maybe that didn't help much. And I hope I don't get stressed right before bed too.

I was really happy with my makeup today!  once again I didn't bother doing my brows ww but I'm getting the hang with this casual gal makeup thing. I just need new lenses now...

And I just noticed that my hair got caught on the sebon star in that selfie ugh wwww

ねむたい(⁠ᗒ⁠ᗩ⁠ᗕ⁠)

I've been so sleepy all day long  everytime I'm having my PMS it's the same old shit

And today I went through some awful stress by not being able to buy my lunch and being almost 30 minutes late for work because they took so long with my order at McCafe 

Then since I didn't get to buy my lunch from usual I decided to eat at McDonald's and they got my order wrong and my Sprite was tasting like plain sparkling water 

At least I'm looking cute today ww

I'm not fully happy with my casual make tho. I need new lenses and if I get myself used to wake up earlier maybe I can start wearing lashes everyday again  The thing is, I don't seem like I can get out of bed earlier than 7:30AM... Been trying since Monday and failing hard at it 

Anyways I'm wearing the sebon star I traded from あけいちゃん today 

I need to wear my silver sebon star more often because I'm very biased towards the golden ones... Or with gold in general, as I'm not the biggest silver enjoyer ww

I'm a bit anxious regarding studying for that admission test but I guess I have no choice but to give it a shot  I gotta stop playing and fooling around and get serious about my future for good. But I just found out that even if I pass the test I only get the job after 1-2 years??? That's crazy, I'm not sure if I can afford two more years in poverty 

I need to get a good life asap if I want to leave this shared house, learn how to drive and afford being in a relationship  Most times I freeze with anxiety everytime I stop to think about that. My 30s are right around the corner and I can't afford to eat a pizza 

Been trying to save makeup by only wearing it to go out so I don't run out of it and therefore I don't spend money... But I've been going through a SERIOUS identity crisis without my gal make lmao

Which is why I started this new blog... Blogging makes me feel more connected with gyaru and I was in serious need of feeling like myself again...  But I don't want it to be as polished as the other one, nor talk about cute and nice things, but to make it my diary, and hopefully no one will come across it unless I provide the link.

My life's been everything but cute these days. Yet I persist on living the pinkest life I can. The horrors are resilient but so am I 

Now I need to act like a damn adult and get those clothes off the line, it's been three days already